Immediately, trying to pick between two alternative images of my future. This has been ongoing for quite a while, but is suddenly put into relief by realistic propositions for either dream (both of which felt fantastical less than a year ago).
More generally its that I’m lazy and unmotivated and am going nowhere.
It’s quite possible that these are actually symptoms of the same problem. Something deep inside that I can’t quite get at directly, some kind of solid indecision that somehow wraps and traps me where I am. Or just makes me too weak to live.
So that’s a problem.
But I think it is hard to identify the core of problems. Personality is something weird and complicated enough that it isn’t really scrutable. You only see most of the problems in the form of their consequences. Like I say, the things I fret about are only the symptoms of what’s going on inside.
The human mind is hard to deal with. We have a knack for self awareness, but we don’t necessarily see right to the core. It doesn’t help that we project our ideals and wishes on top of what we actually observe. We can’t look objectively at self, because it is twisted by our self. Our flaws are multiplied or redacted, depending on the nature and expression of those flaws.
We can only look at our selves through broken lenses. Genuine self reflection is probably the hardest skill. That’s my problem, and its probably yours. If you don’t think it is, you’re probably wrong. Self deception. It’s a tricky bastard.
My other problem, probably noticably, is that I tend to project my problems out, suggesting they are the general human condition, rather than just me being a dick.
I suspect you’re the same.
Living in a world surrounded by other people is a bit of a puzzle. It’s so hard to judge what amount of similarity in experience is shared between us. I get this weird psychic impression of, or rather, I get kind of spiritually turned on by, the notion of potentially successful empathy and compassion. It fits into my understanding of the universe to imagine that every sensing being is (a) sensing the same thing and (b) feeling a little bit the same about it.
This is contradicted by the difference in human behaviour across the world, but encouraged by the fact that we all actually can communicate, at least within humanity, and to some extent beyond. Very different perspectives, but we’re clearly in the same space.
Or we’re not.
I have no idea, and I spend my life pretending I do. It’s a leap of faith, which is something I purport to disallow.
So maybe my problem is hypocrisy, arrogance and some kind of weird messiah syndrome, all at the same time.
I don’t even think those are all of my problems.
In particular, one other, again quite noticeable problem, is that I overanyalyse a little bit.
And then whine about it.
Sorry.
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Illustration by Michael S
